Dear Shae Alosius Montgomery Greenfield

Well my fishy wee taco, I am gratified to say that after living through many momentous world events - the fall of the Berlin Wall, the apparent end of Apartheid in South Africa, the re-election of the Liberals last month - I have survived long enough to greet the arrival of the Kimye child. In case you missed it - it's a girl and I know your thoughts are filled with many worries on her account such as: Will she have enough closet space? Which of her parents will drive her into therapy first? Will she be spending future holidays with a super-model in Montreal? Will People magazine have to hire even more staff to capture her every moment on film? It was heartening to know Kanye ripped himself away from his adulterous lifestyle to rush to the Kardashian's side and I am sure he was a great help being an unselfish sort always concerned about others. In case you were wondering what to send along to the new arrival, a solid gold rocking horse is available for under 1.3 million dollars. Score!