Tuesday, 18 March 2014
Love Beyond All Measure
I truly don't believe you can fully appreciate what the people you love are capable of - the resilience of their spirit and capacity for love until you find yourself tested the way my family and loved ones have been challenged over the past year. I have watched them grow and change in ways I couldn't have fully appreciated until facing my diagnosis and the subsequent deterioration of my body, my growing dependence over time as I have grown increasingly frail. I marvel at their love for me - their unending patience and generosity. As I face the growing knowledge that my reserves to fight are all but exhausted - the honest assessment yesterday from the lovely palliative doctor who has cared for me in the absence of my own family and palliative doctor - that there is a strong chance I may not have what it takes to heal from the infections that have developed from what are normally routine changes in medication delivery methods - in fact only the second patient in his career who has reacted the way I have. Thus my family and I face another new round of emotions - another shift in my medication regime - and a growing realization that the time ahead may not be as nebulousness or open ended as we have clung to in recent months. We are still absorbing this information and processing as best we can. And yet I woke up this morning with a sense of peace - secure that I am surrounded by all of the love and support I need to take on what is to come. My lovely nurse Beth from the Palliative Response team who made the trek to our house at around 11 pm last night and visits earlier in the day by two other precious members of the team only reinforce their primary mission - which is to bring me comfort in any way that manifests itself in the coming days. So I must repeat that even through the days of pain and waning spirits - in so many respects this year has been the best time in my life - a time of growth, self-awareness and love that I cannot fully put into words. In short, I am ready as I can be and I am not facing any of this alone - and for that I am truly and utterly blessed.