The Moments of Lucidity...

This fog-land I live in now is not conducive to lucid thought. My state of constant sedation means more sleep than times when I am awake - starting out groggy and discombobulated without a clear sense of time, place or sensation. I stumble around trying to find my bearings - sometimes enough to go to the bathroom before crawling back to bed. Other times I do get up - try to find a normal routine.When I write, thoughts are not so clear - mixed up, watching my family hover around me waiting for the elusive four hours when the injections start again. Which leads me to social media where I have been ever-present and where I increasingly lack the energy to engage to the degree I normally would. I know my community will understand this as best they can - that the objective - at all costs - is to avoid the debilitating anxiety attacks that have overtaken me in recent days. So there is an upside to what has frequently felt less pleasant. But was has been most jarring was a follow-up  call from my amazing family/palliative doctor Leah Norgrove following a home visit the other night. Due to some previous commitments she will not be available in the next couple of weeks. She talked to my sister...but the gist was an apology for not being here for me and almost what sounded like goodbye - along with some heartfelt comments about the closeness we have forged over all of these years and the very real prospect in her mind that I may not be here when she returns. This is not something one can take lightly...that one can compartmentalize or diminish. I suppose I am still in the process of absorbing it really. I have been here before but this does feel different...somehow less nebulousness than what has been speculated in the past. So this journey evolves...my family around me to keep my meds on track day and night. They can't do enough for me...catching me when I am wobbly...lifting me off of furniture when I need help....humbling and yes even a bit much sometimes for someone so fiercely independent - but all of this is necessary now and I am beyond grateful..beyond words that I am not dealing with this alone