Thursday, 6 March 2014

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

There is a time in a journey when relenting is the only logical option. This may help explain why through to the early hours of the evening to late at night , my amazing home nurse Joan, my family doctor Leah, and a member of the palliative care response team - lovely Bernice - worked through my latest crisis - a 13 hour anxiety/panic attack that began at three in the morning and no amount of medication would make go away. It is clear that the sicker I get, the faster what seems to be a workable medication regime begins to fail leading to more of these scary days. So the latest decisions are more drastic - aggressive - with the goal being to prevent those bad physical and emotional symptoms from creeping back in. So we have moved into full-on sedation - every four hours - day and night - two drugs injected collectively by shifts of my family members, who are sacrificing sleep and their own lives to be there for me. I have had to accept that threshold of what any drug can do can change on a dime - and that waiting for the next option to appear can take time. So now, my musings around sedation have been exceeded - I am groggy, slurring my words...falling from time to time when I get careless with my movements - but adjusting...still feel grateful that yesterday is but a bad dream and I can face tomorrow without fear - shrouded in the knowledge that I have a dream team around me to make this way forward easier.


  1. I take comfort in the support system you have around you to make the scary go away, but realize that this makes the dreaming time longer and reality come a little closer. Know that I often think of you, that your exploration and growth over the past year has been remarkable and has meant so much to so many, and that I do not expect a response. Conserve your energy for the wonderful family surrounding you. Tu vas me manquer. xoxo laura

  2. You continue to amaze me Michelle. I am so grateful for the support you have. Nathan and I are thinking about you always and are sending you all of our love. You are the strongest person I know. I will forever be inspired by you. Miranda.

  3. I came across your blog a few weeks ago and am in awe of your articulate ability to share your journey with such openness.

    Thank you for pushing through and writing the posts you do.

    Best wishes for comfort.

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