Thursday, 6 March 2014
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
There is a time in a journey when relenting is the only logical option. This may help explain why through to the early hours of the evening to late at night , my amazing home nurse Joan, my family doctor Leah, and a member of the palliative care response team - lovely Bernice - worked through my latest crisis - a 13 hour anxiety/panic attack that began at three in the morning and no amount of medication would make go away. It is clear that the sicker I get, the faster what seems to be a workable medication regime begins to fail leading to more of these scary days. So the latest decisions are more drastic - aggressive - with the goal being to prevent those bad physical and emotional symptoms from creeping back in. So we have moved into full-on sedation - every four hours - day and night - two drugs injected collectively by shifts of my family members, who are sacrificing sleep and their own lives to be there for me. I have had to accept that threshold of what any drug can do can change on a dime - and that waiting for the next option to appear can take time. So now, my musings around sedation have been exceeded - I am groggy, slurring my words...falling from time to time when I get careless with my movements - but adjusting...still feel grateful that yesterday is but a bad dream and I can face tomorrow without fear - shrouded in the knowledge that I have a dream team around me to make this way forward easier.