Sunday, 16 March 2014
When The Sun Just Won't Shine
I apologize right off the bat for what I am about to share. It's just that sometimes knowing what I have written as this journey gets rockier, has had the effect of upsetting people who love me - an unavoidable consequence I suppose but difficult for me to contemplate nonetheless. It has the effect of being tempted to censor myself a bit but I feel to be true to the process - I just have to come clean that today has been tough...very tough. In fact it has been a day of some tears and feeling well and truly sorry for myself. I think I truly underestimated the pain and general after-effects of having my infected port sites surgically drained. The process to tend to them each day is very painful and I generally feel very unwell and wasted since the procedure happened on Friday afternoon. I have tried so hard to focus on the good - to separate the feelings of my declining body with my emotional state and need to express gratitude as time marches forward. But sometimes I just can't do it...can't help but feel the pain on all levels and get it out because it is just necessary. I want so dearly not to be described as brave...because I am just a human being living through an experience over which I have no control - and what has transpired has been the result of my own choices and lack of strength. So I suppose I just felt like sharing that I can't say with confidence tomorrow will be a better day...I dearly hope it will be but it might not be and that is just something one has to accept on this path. No day brings certainty...a routine that feels anything like normal and rising to the occasion is a hope-but not a given.