In between the moments of self-reflection - the bureaucracy around the process of dying - the fear of what it will look like in my case - what it will feel like - are other moments that balance out this noise. An unexpected message from a former colleague or a friend - a moment of laughter with someone I love over something quite trivial - moments when what my body is currently telling me does not invade the space. Moments of gratitude - affection - the feeling of accomplishment that has come with putting so many pieces into place to make the way forward feel more settled - less uneven. Random funny moments from my past - that come back to me.
Now, the addition of check-ins from a lovely home care nurse who is helping to ease the way.
No matter what has happened - my life has not been without moments of beauty - joy - the discovery of kindred spirits in all sorts of places where they were least expected. The tribe of people who connected with my spirit - enriched me - lifted me out of the places I was stuck - and have been there either on the periphery or close by.
And if all you have to know me is the words in this blog - then I would forgive you for believing I lack some kind of hope. I have endless amounts for the people in my life and for those facing their own difficult struggles - who have faced weakness and fear and pulled their heads up - it happens all around me - I've seen the power of such a transformation - and whatever my shortcomings I still believe it is possible - still have faith in the capacity to overcome. Describing pieces of my own path should not be a proxy for doubts in the capacity of the human spirit..for a lack of light in this landscape...for the absence of a smile.