Tuesday, 24 December 2013

The Camera Never Lies

Sometimes I must admit - and with the wonders of cameras built into almost every electronic device (can the toaster be far off?) I am tempted to take a picture of my own self. It is by no means about vanity - more about checking to confirm that I am still here - to look anxiously at the person that stares back to see what ravages are showing and to try and reassure myself it is not so bad. I confess this as I have been trying with my sister's help, to put together a project - a post-mortem synopsis if you will - of my life - something involving pictures - and I realize that while we are all our own worst critic, I have never been a fan of "picture day" - not the kind of person who was ever assured that what would come back would be acceptable to me or anyone else. In some respects and as I tried to explain to my sister last night - while somehow I can look at images from when I was very small, there is a huge swath of my life before I met Kirk that I seem to have mentally written off - not that I don't retain the memories - but seeing myself in those years when my self-hate and eating disorder were at their worst is painful to me - no matter how hard I try to let that go. My sister tries to reassure me as sisters do - sees something completely different and I try to have faith in her instincts, not trusting my own. But it sits there when I look at that face - trying to be something it is not - trying to be what it never was. But like this blog, I should know well enough by now that blocking out the "bad" stuff never works...that facing it, quite literally, is a necessary part of the story.

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