Just in Case...

Sometimes I think about how I would end this - what is my key message as it were (purely from a communications perspective, you understand). It is certainly not to hold myself up as an example - though I think I have made that abundantly clear - nor to say everything that has transpired is anyone's "fault" but my own - nor to tell you that even things that are deeply, irreparably flawed can be beautiful - because there is nothing beautiful about this.

I guess what I have learned over and over is how sharing this has somehow shaken certain truths to the surface and blown away the pretence - the instinct - not to be overly familiar or affectionate - inspiring so many people to offer me - without a hint of reciprocation - the most overwhelming love that I wish I could have learned to embrace many years ago. That my freedom of speech if you will - has brought with it connections I would never have experienced had these stories and feelings remained safely stored in my head. Even still, one is inclined not to dismiss, but perhaps in some ways negate some of this emotion by saying that human instinct must prevent us - when one is dying - from being completely honest - and hidden behind many of the good wishes are the times through my impatience, my thoughtlessness and my words - these same people hide the scars of my behaviour. And those are the moments I can't let go of - the moments I torture myself with because I was, and am, so deeply and irrevocably shaken by the things I have done and said that I can not take back - that none of us can ever take back - the ground a long line of sorries can't erase. 

So I suppose what I am left with is that it has been so worth it to expose these truths - that it is worth giving someone the words you might share if you thought they were in trouble - and that to the extent that you can - keep your list of sorries much shorter than mine. It seems all I can really offer from the burning throne on which I sit. And that each and every day I am surprised and amazed at the power of the truth.