The "To-Do" List

Sometimes it is surreal to realize my mind is occupied right now with both the relative merits of hospice care and whether or not I might consider a feeding tube down the line (no) - and buying paint for our new/old house at the same time. It is almost impossible to describe the tasks that lay before me and sequencing the timing of all of the details with the biting underlying question of what kind of shape my body and mind will be in - in two months time when it all will be done and finished. I write down my long and lengthening list of things that have to be done and arranged while simultaneously looking skeptically at myself and wondering if I am really the right person for this job? So far Kirk and I have managed (with a great deal of help!) to get this far and on the whole, it has all fallen into place with a speed that is surprising. But there are still miles to go and I know it can be done, one foot gently placed in front of the other, one task followed by another. At the same time what no one in the world can possibly tell me is whether I will see it all through - how this all will unfold - though I can't escape the fact that this sentiment hangs there - deep inside - a place I have no time to get lost in right now. So this is just the way it shall be - and accepting this is just more pill I have to swallow.