It is a difficult balance - weighing what I feel I need to say against the impact of my words. Another moment where I know the reality of sharing information in a public way could come as a rude and unwelcome shock - and yet to be true to this thing I have committed to - and in some ways to process myself - I feel I have to keep going. I will say to the people who really love me right now, I am so very sorry if what I am about to say catches you off-guard or makes you feel sad. But I think you have likely read and seen enough that this chapter was expected, though perhaps not now. So feel free if you are not ready to go there...not to turn the page, as it were.
Sometimes a person just knows - information passes by osmosis into your bloodstream - winding its way to your brain and making you aware that change is happening. I guess it in part explains some of my recent posts - as a visit to my lovely specialist yesterday only confirmed what my heart and my head already knew. That is that the lab numbers I have been trying so hard to have faith in are no longer reliable where my kidneys and I are concerned. It is a system in which numbers are derived based on an "average man" based on the levels of toxins in your body. In my case and particularly with the size I currently am - plus a marked escalation in my symptoms (the feeling crappy factor - a scientific term!) the cheery prospect of five more years has dwindled to "maybe" seeing 2014 through. He said that in his experience once the symptoms are felt - it is not a slow decline and his former olive branch of the prospect of significantly more time no longer applies. As I said, hearing him say it was not a tremendous surprise - my body has sent this message to me loud and clear for weeks now - and yet...well, let's just say that my drive home from his office felt very, very long. And if experience is my teacher, the full weight of this information will roll over me soon and when I least expect it. Just when I think I am prepared for this...in many ways, but some ways not, I chose this - and I have spent so much of my energy trying to make us (and by "us") I mean Kirk and I - ready for it...emotionally, financially, legally...I am hit in the face not by the theory of it, but the reality it is marching toward me and the pace is ever faster - it will not stop. I have acted on this information with a sense of urgency that was not misplaced. Right now I just feel numbed by it...like if I feed the dogs and clean the counters and write these words, it will go away. Yet I hear its approach - feel it when I breathe - see it when I am brave enough to look at my own eyes. It is coming...it is coming...it is here.