Saturday, 30 November 2013

This is the Sound of One Voice - Part Three

It is official now and witnessed - legally binding...my advance care directive - what I will and will not consent to in terms of medical intervention at the end - formally written down. Done with my doctor - with my sister and with Kirk by my side. Clear-eyed - after a time - and level. All the documents copied in triplicate and dutifully shared. Another piece of this puzzle set gingerly in place. The next steps discussed and considered - to be continued. We agree that things are shifting - moving much faster than we expected - that it will require more than my own hands to maintain things and so home nurse visits are likely soon - a step that on the one hand feels like submission - and on the other seems a welcome reprieve. Maybe for a short time until this particular phase passes - maybe not. We have moved from the prospect of five years - to a year - to possibly weeks - the fact is, nobody really knows. These discussions are surreal - so many signatures and things to be said - and yet my eyes were closing on the car ride home...these windows get shorter - as does thankfully the list of things to be done. Bravery flew out the window long ago - flinging from resignation - a forced dismissal of any emotional response to focus instead on the details of what needs to take place - to overwhelming fear - the fear of the things I can not orchestrate - this symphony of feelings that compete for my attention.
I have shared more than I ever intended - more than was necessary - and yet not everything. Our wounds are as deep as our secrets - and there are some things better left unsaid. To be honest, many days I don't know why I started this - but now that it is out there I suppose I am at least released, in part, from the experiences I related here. As I have said repeatedly, everything that has happened - happened for a reason. I made decisions that are mine alone - and the consequences are what I invited - what I allowed. Even when I picked the wrong path - I can be thankful that I had choices - that I had the means and support and physical capacity to choose a path and in some brief moments offer a piece of myself to this big, wide world and the people who have mattered to me along the way. Writing this blog has been my release - a place for my mind to go when my thoughts just couldn't stay locked inside any longer. Because even now I struggle to explain myself - feel like I have to make the scorecard even with people that have no regard for me and maybe never did - have to try to win them over when the prospects of that are futile. Frantic to make it okay.
Still, I have been the beneficiary of more love and support than I ever deserved - the kindness of strangers and the forgiveness and understanding of those that knew me better - who saw what was a deeply flawed shell and loved me anyway. How can one ever truly capture one's gratitude for that? For the people who gave me opportunities - who taught and nurtured and mentored me - who reached out to me along the way and in particular, in the past number of months - the family I have - the family I inherited and the larger family of people who have given so much of themselves to make this easier...to extend their love in big and small ways.
And I will say again - if I let you down on any occasion - hurt you - or disappointed you - please know from my heart I am so very sorry. No life is worth living if you can not say that out loud and truly mean it.
I may or may not revisit this medium - I haven't quite decided if anything more needs to be said. In the meantime, I thank you for listening to the sound of this one voice - my voice - sending you love and peace and comfort in those hours when you may feel no one is hearing your story. I will be listening and you are not alone.

6 comments:

  1. Dear Michelle,

    I noticed in reading your most recent post that there are no comments posted to your last few posts. It made me wonder and then worry that you might think we weren't still listening and you might stop sharing your thoughts and insights with us.

    I wonder if the" no comments" is that people don't want to interfere with your processing (process?) That if they make a comment they will somehow throw you off course. Or perhaps they are frightened of saying the wrong thing and offending or upsetting you or someone else in the process. Or maybe its simpler than that and perhaps reading what you have written is enough.

    You and I have a unique relationship. I would call it a friendship but it is a kind of friendship that didn't exist a couple of decades ago. Someone that you have never met in person and yet they know a lot about you and have enough information to decide if they like you. (Yep I like you)

    I don't really have a physical sense of you at all. I know what you look like from pictures but to me that isn't you. You are more spirit and less form for me and I don't mean that as an insult its just that my sense of you is from reading your thoughts and comments, likes and dislikes, pleasures and pains.

    Maybe because I don't have a relationship with the "physical" you the words of your physical struggles don't cause me as much angst as others. I don't really know.

    If you decide not to share any more on this venue that's ok. I will however be listening still and look forward to your posts, comments and thoughts elsewhere.

    Best of today to you,

    Liz

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    1. We are a unique pair Miss Liz and as luck would have it, I like you too! I think our wee connection does transcend the physical...and I see on a daily basis - in the love and care you shower on your family and friends - that I am fortunate to have made this connection with one so special. Thank-you for your words...for your vibrant spirit ...and for your good wishes. I will instruct Carlene to give you an extra hug at the gym - which could be painful! :) xo

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  2. I am also listening still. It worries me when I dont see you posting on here or facebook and have been thinking of you non stop today. You must know you are dearly loved by many. You will always be my most favorite boss....you truly cared about each person. I love you lots and have been praying to God for you. When you feel up to it -- let us know how you are doing....love becky.

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    1. Becky...I love you and your caring heart...my lovely precious girl...xo

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  3. Michelle - Although I've never met you in person, I want to know that what you write here has given me strength, bravery, and peace in my own health struggles. Thank you. Your words are meaningful. - N

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    1. Thank you so much for your kindness - and sending light your way...wishing you every comfort on your journey...

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