Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Where Is My Mind

It was Kirk's son Aaron who introduced me to the Pixies song that inspired this post. In earlier years a visit with him always meant taking home with me a new band or song that immediately became one of my favourites. (He has always had impeccable taste!) His daughter Miranda, has had the same effect over the years and music has always been one of my greatest delights and comforts.
I thought of the title of this song because one of the symptoms that has started to creep in - and perhaps has been in me for a much longer time - is a certain confusion and lack of focus that comes from starving your body and brain of the fuel it needs to stay sharp. And a similar effect of my failing kidneys is that as your body stops eliminating certain toxins - it can make your reactions irrational and difficult to control. Unfortunately it is the people closest to me who bear the brunt of this - and I wish I could say it wasn't happening - but it is.
I was never beautiful - never the pretty girl...but I always seemed to have two small things in my favour which were my sense of humour and a certain sharpness that at least I could try to hold up in my favour. So the prospect of losing clarity, my need to try to be articulate, my control over what I am feeling or saying terrifies me more than anything else. And why writing this - trying to focus - has become more than a pastime for me. I find myself going over and over the words looking for mistakes - for words that I missed - for thoughts that just don't sound right. For signs I should stop so as not to embarrass myself. Then I worry I just won't see it as it gets worse - and that people around me will be too polite to point it out. In some ways it is why I feel I have to get it all out now - before I experience any more decline. I just pray I will have the good sense left to know when to stop - to walk away and keep what is left of my thoughts to myself.

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