Tuesday, 4 February 2014

I Want to Be Sedated

Over the river and through the woods to get to the other side. Well I guess I am on the other side of whatever Saturday night was. If you missed the excitement - in a nutshell - got some kind of bug, sick all day, exacerbated by a drug I shouldn't have been given, agitation escalating to some kind of batty fit - two visits by palliative care providers - new medication...and now...well precisely...now what?
I am on a series of very powerful medications that are necessary but with each added element - one asks what if anything must go or be adjusted. On Saturday when asked by the Palliative Care Response team nurse what my goal was - my answer was sedation. Total knock-out - down-right oblivion...and I got my wish. But now how do I let go of it....I mumble..."sound sleepy" ...feel unsteady. Am taking less of the new stuff but it still packs its punch. Yet I don't want to lose it...can't afford to go back whatever the toll...and the toll is losing something that feels like real life. Not knowing what this time is supposed to accomplish and learning that planning anything big in advance is a fool's errand...too much uncertainty attached to the everyday...not knowing...not seeing where I go from here and too groggy to see the road.

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