Milestones

We're only human....skin and bones, tissues and organs - all of the inner workings that like a clock we don't question...just an inherent faith that everything inside is doing the job it was meant to do in this complex, amazing system. When parts fail it always comes as a shock - no matter what has led up to it. I think of this as I face two major milestones in the coming month. A birthday I still am not entirely confident I will see and the anniversary of the date when I got the fateful phone call that my kidneys were failing and I had to head to the hospital without passing go. It is hard to sum up what this year has been for me....a birthday last year spent in sheer oblivion...a few weeks more of abject denial - then that single phone call that changed everything. But I can only believe life was meant to unfold this way - that what I have gained and experienced - the love that I have been showered with - the communion of friends old and new - the many lessons I continue to learn as I ride this storm. The deep appreciation for the loving hands of the many care providers, my beloved family doctor, Leah Norgrove, my unfailing cadre of home care and palliative care nurses (particularly Joan) who have buoyed me up through the rougher patches and my family for whom there are simply no adequate words. All of this meant to be...all of it a necessary exploration...and through it all, the sale of our house, the purchase of a new property, major downsizing, a move followed by all of the little touches...and here we are - unclear about what comes next, what to expect - needing nothing that money can buy...wanting everything and nothing...wanting to be held, babied, not looking back and wishing for what I had - just appreciating that there was a past that held something so much more than pain - filled with the faces of people who enriched me, challenged me, tolerated me, loved me...and the soft whisper of voices encouraging me to go forward, stick to my guns, do the right thing when I could. Through it all, the ever present hum of the roller coaster...so familiar, arms in the air less tentatively than before...still riding.