Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Questions in the Interim Time

They said it would be weeks. Now, weeks have passed and tacking on a week of the flu there is no sign that it or I am prepared to relent quite yet. This "interim time" - this time of not having a clear view of how long this will go on - well some days it weighs on me - taunts me - fills my head and won't let me be. I know my view is clouded by this sickness (flu) on top of what I already feel on a daily basis - and my resources to overcome it are depleted - I also know you might wonder how I can wish this time away. But you see when you hear "weeks" that is what you mentally prepare for...you look at calendars and wonder at some of the choices you made - if this is what you are to expect, well you tend to act accordingly. But of course no one has ever really known - it has been pure speculation the dates and time frames shifting around me. People say it will be obvious - some sure signs of deterioration - my lovely home care nurse Joan says it is not time - not yet anyway - some declines but not enough to make me totally dependent. This news I should greet with a more generous enthusiasm than I do - because frankly if someone gave me the option - it would be time. Because if I feel like this now - in my heart I don't want to hang on for what is worse - don't want any more lessons in humility at the moment - I want to scream to the universe, "I get it" - I've got the message - but I can't distinguish between flu-like malaise and all of the other feelings and symptoms I experience every day. Can't say marginally better is something worth shooting for. Of course, that in itself seems like sacrilege...something one shouldn't say out loud. But feelings come and go - they pass into something else - rarely stay stuck in one place unless you are very obstinate about it. New waves come - the sun will shine - I will try not to think about deadlines that come and go - just manage as best I can with what is left - try to appreciate where I am and believe to the extent I can that it is better than the alternative.

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