My Funny Valentine...

Sometimes there are moments when I am so overwhelmed that I literally feel I am falling off the end of the earth and there is nothing, no pill, no antidote that can calm me. It comes on when I least expect it and is accompanied by significant fear that I won't be able to hold it together - that someone external will have to be called to rescue me from myself. Such was the feeling last night, recognized early enough that I could enlist my partner Kirk to help me through it - breathing with me - rubbing the knots out of my back and my arms - not stopping until I fell into a fitful but welcome sleep. There are so many moments when he literally has no idea how or if he can make anything "better" - moments when his own fatigue and powerlessness in the face of all of this is palpable. When his own strength is tested in this most unexpected turn of events. I suppose we envisioned some day this scenario would be reversed - that it would be me, not Kirk, playing the role of caregiver. Still I wonder how long we can keep this up - how long before I hand over this responsibility to somebody else - seriously consider whether hospice would be a more realistic option. But for today, Valentine's Day, as we both battle a flu that seems unrelentingly stubborn, there will be no such decisions made - just a deep appreciation for Kirk and a thank-you for the most meaningful gift he could possibly give me - the gift of his caring, the gift of himself.