Thursday, 2 January 2014
Achieving Perfection and the Art of Futile Pursuits
I have always been one of those people who takes time to sort out how I am really feeling at any given moment. Part of the challenge for me in facing life as a palliative patient - is the many things about the process that I am going through physically that are beyond my control. Identifying symptoms and making efforts to treat those symptoms is one thing - but when it gets mixed in with a major life event like moving - lines get blurry - all of my efforts to plan each element down to the hour sometimes gets jumbled with other decisions in an effort to make things "perfect" - in a time frame that from the outside may seem unrealistic. So all of the additional energy it requires to get things done - which I assume I will have at any given moment - is taking a toll. Moments when my body says "enough" - you have gone too far - it is time to stop. I realize the more I live with the uncontrollable nature of this disease - the more rigid I am when any wrinkles appear in my best-laid plans. As a result - and for those valiantly trying to help me through it - those moments when the overwhelming nature of it all takes a toll - are equally taking a toll on the people I love. So I need to remind myself it is time to let it go...trusting everything will work out as it should, that nothing about these trivial issues in the scheme of things is insurmountable. I ask myself why it is so important that it be perfect...why I feel the need to try to spare everyone any effort - to do it myself - to depend on their help when that is the only thing they can give to me right now. And in some ways I suppose it comes down to the simple fact that if I stop for even one minute - I fear that I won't be able to start again. I have no time for a do-over - and making the new space perfect is somehow my flawed way of expressing that everything will be okay when I am gone. That it won't matter if I am missing from the picture, if the scenery is in good shape. So in saying all that - it is time to put that all on a shelf, remind myself how proud I am of everything that I have done already to make this happen, that it is only a matter of weeks before this will all be behind us - and how grateful I am that I have the strong, steady patient hands of those who love me who are more than willing to grab the reins and pull.