Thursday, 16 January 2014

When the Whirlwind Ends

In less than three and a half months - I have - with the helping hands of many angels - sold a house, found a new place, eliminated more than half of my possessions in a de-cluttering frenzy, lived through showings and cleaning and staging, celebrated Christmas, endured endless appointments, met with lawyers and bankers, arranged all of the details around our move from hydro to the moving company, helped set up the new house, made all of the necessary changes to ensure when we downsized Kirk could carry on mortgage free, paid off my Smart car, lived through medication changes and adjustments, had good days and scary days, wrote an advanced care plan and completed my will, planned an entire service for after I pass including writing the program and lining up who will speak. Constructed my final blog post to be shared by my sister at some point in the future. I had a magical last fling in Toronto spending time with Kirk's amazing kids, their partners, little ones, and my dear friend Shae and his lovely bride-to-be Sara. Learned Kirk's daughter was expecting her first child - connected with dozens of people from my past and present through the magic of this medium.
Of course, while some of it I did alone, in most cases I had the loving and tender support of Kirk and my family to guide me every step of the way and treasuring their connection in ways I never dreamed possible. As every item has been dutifully checked off my many lists and I reflect on everything that has happened - I feel my heart bursting with a sense of overwhelming gratitude and love - bigger debts to the people who have been there for me than I could ever adequately repay.
Some days, I honestly didn't think I would get through - and the prospect terrified me, leaving me shaking and sobbing at the notion I would leave unfinished business behind - a terror that try as they might, my loved ones could not take away. But now I can only marvel at how it somehow all came together - how with everything marked completed, it is time to let these elements go and find a different sense of purpose for the days that remain.
I am also entirely cognizant that had I not had the benefit of the opportunities I had in my working life - fortuitously made certain choices when I left my former position over one year ago - not had the benefit of my amazing family doctor and home care nurse extraordinaire, Joan, been alone through it all without Kirk and my family holding my hand, I know I would not be where I am in this moment - reflecting with awe on how healing this journey has been - discovering parts of myself and the ones I love that I might have missed entirely had things not unfolded as they ultimately did.
It has taken facing the prospect of death to find my light and my life. I have felt the healing of so many parts of myself that I believed incurable. Had someone written this script for me I would have mocked it completely - yet here I sit - arms open wide to the world saying simply if this is life - bring it on.