A thought that is very present for me right now is the way the rough days affect the people who are closest to me - particularly those in my immediate family. So desperate are they to take away the pain, ease the road, spare me from upset - that it becomes its own weight sometimes - trying to reassure them that what they've done is enough - is good enough - is impactful enough to shift any of the ground I am walking on. They express their love and concern in very different ways - as different as their own natures and experiences - and it is hard not to feel some anguish on their part when they come to the point when nothing they have done or said has erased all of this. When the "I love you" at the end of the conversation seems harder to declare.
I am also learning painful lessons about the delicate nature of changes in medication, which resulted in another day of experiencing with a vengeance symptoms that one particular drug was supposed to be combatting and failed - meaning more time with a home care nurse - a huge drain on my family doctor's precious time - and all of this while movers were hauling our belongings from our old to our new home. I was fortunate that my sister took me in...wrapped me in blankets with a bucket nearby - and rubbed my back and held my head in her hands repeatedly when things got out of control. The most intimate gestures that as adults and sisters we would never share. She spent yet more time away from her job - to leap up and get me water, field calls from the doctor's office, rush to the drugstore for yet more new prescriptions and holding my hand. Meantime, my Mom, Dad, Kirk and Miranda managed a tremendous amount of work - so much so that when I finally made it to the new house last night everything appeared as if we had lived here for years. It is so very beautiful I pinch myself as I walk through the rooms - everything I imagined coming true. And none of it would have happened without the arms, the strength, the incredible hard work of my family. And it really doesn't mean anything that they show it in different ways because our love is so much stronger than that.