Thursday, 30 January 2014

Pushing You Away/Drawing You Near

Have to be honest in a weird space right now - hence writing at 330am. I can't quite put my finger on it - but I feel a bit undone by the upheaval in my life patterns right now - which have largely been tossed out the window. The nearest I can guess is a bit of a rebellion on my part to the intimacy that seems to accompany my current state. Being as open as I have compels many privately to message and engage with me in ways well outside the comfort zone of someone who lived so many years locked in her own secrets - when private became synonymous for shutting away the world. Even for those who might be considered close to me - I am un-accustomed to their desire to check in as frequently as they do with the increasingly dreaded question, how are you feeling? I frankly am weary of answering it - as it isn't a constant for me at any given moment - okay one minute and doubled over in pain the next. So generally if I say I feel okay - even fine - on a Wednesday at 10 am - by 2pm I could be a mess. Of course people are interested based on their caring hearts so I feel guilty at the same time for in the nicest way telling people to back off. Because the simple fact is every note leaves me compelled to respond even when that is the last thing I feel like doing. This is by no means universal and there are times I actually do have the energy to engage. But then there are the times I don't and I have nothing to offer. So setting boundaries - which frankly was never my comfort zone - is becoming necessary and increasingly the times I can fake it or account for this with some false generosity of affection - is waning. Time keeps passing - as does the sense I have only so much of it - and so perhaps some of this is not so unexpected.
But I think a lot of it goes back to the sense of being thrust back into a time less clear - when so many things have been knocked off the "to do" list that I am floating directionless at the moment. For someone who spent so much of her life operating on over-load - the constant activity of recent months - while wearing - was much closer to my "normal pace" and as I mentioned recently - finding my purpose right now is not something that is coming to me easily. People have a habit of vowing to "live every moment to the fullest" in times like these, but frankly I don't know what that is supposed to really mean and wouldn't even know how to begin. So I am just me - trying to get through the days and nights - trying not to beat myself up for it - trying to find a reason for this interim time.

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