Tuesday, 28 January 2014


I think you would forgive me for telling you that as much as I try every minute of every hour not to go there - the pull to wonder when - is so very powerful. I read up on what to expect when you are dying of kidney failure and some of it definitely feels applicable while other markers are not part of the repertoire as yet. Nothing about this has been entirely predictable as likely time frames and deadlines have shifted and passed. One wants to be above it all - just let it flow and all that - but easier said than done when you have endless hours with nothing but your own thoughts circling. My own doctor - with her expertise in palliative medicine - reminds me that even she has no answer - that the body ultimately answers the question for us - though admittedly things you do or don't do can speed things along. For awhile now I have been stubbornly carrying on through dates and events I have wanted to experience to achieve some some of my final goals before I pass - to sell our house, downsize and purchase the townhouse where we now reside - settle my financial house - all of my end of life planning that has been dutifully done and checked off. Yesterday was one of those milestones when we signed the final transaction papers with the lawyer on the sale of our former home and as of this coming Friday the proceeds will be deposited and I will be allowed to say we own our new place free and clear of a mortgage - a goal I frankly never believed could be realized in my lifetime.
So as each date passes I become more aware of what comes after - where my body will lead me from here. Nothing seemingly essential - a few "to-do's" with respect to finishing touches in our new place - no big goals that really define the coming weeks for me. Except, of course, for the sharing of time and love with people I treasure - as my energy will allow - generally not in person but in many other ways that still matter to me - not insignificant - to reap the most out of this that I can with memories not too clouded by what physically waits to be experienced. Still time to keep writing my way through it - step by step - word placed next to word - Pandora's box opened and gaping with flying sentences that weave around me - waiting for the story to continue - careful not to ask (please don't ask) "for how long"?

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