Friday, 24 May 2013
A Message to my 16-year-old Self
Dear Michelle - this may be among the hardest truths to face. The summer when you were 15, you tell your mom you are going to a sleep-over at your best friend's house - but you know that is a lie. Instead you accompany her (she being your beautiful friend - who models in Vancouver from time to time) to the home of an older hockey player you are a wee bit in awe of, who's parents are away. You know you were invited only because you are bringing that friend with you and you are a raw bundle of self-hate and insecurity and so when you get there - you start drinking almost immediately. You are not a drinker and combined with the food that is not in your stomach (you starved yourself all day hoping to be stick-thin by the evening - it didn't work) you don't handle it well, not well at all. So when one of the boys marches you stumbling down the hall, where you pass out in someone's room - well you know what comes next. And in the early morning you wake up sick and sore, knowing what has happened and desperate to get out. You stumble home where you plaster a smile on your face and avoiding your mom's eyes tell her you had a nice time. The end of the story. You will speak of it to no one but you will decide in that moment it is time to disappear and by the next summer you will have launched that quest in earnest. You will not in any way fathom the consequences of that choice. How it split you in two...and how all of this truth would sink further and further into the abyss while your days of punishing yourself for that mistake...and so many others, would begin. Until at some point you will almost forget how it came to this - one bad choice after another - so many reasons to keep going until the reasons almost don't matter any more. It is so much a part of you that it has overtaken all of the reasons why. That weak, sorry girl who couldn't say no.