Dear Shae Alosius Montgomery Greenfield

So I understand you are in Calgary. From my research, it appears to be rainy there so I hope you brought the appropriate attire - slicker, rain boots, and of course, a large hat to protect your hair, I mean, head! (To fit in with the locals I believe this means a cowboy hat - but then again, I suspect this may not be the custom at all times of year.) You may run into an actual farmer there, as I understand they do take to the city from time to time for provisions and whatnot. If you do, don't hesitate to say "Howdy!" then comment on the weather. These small courtesies will be welcomed, I can assure you. Also, if you happen to run into a disgraced senator (or mayor) avert your eyes while shaking your head slightly. They will know immediately what this gesture implies. If they ask you for money, remember they have no self-control and will likely only throw it away on swanky condos in Toronto. Cheers, my dumpling!