I find myself in a strange limbo - on the one hand hearing the ticking of an expiration clock continually in my head and on the other knowing this state could, optimistically, last for years. So every communication seems to carry a weight of significance and emotional pull - that is sometimes exhausting. In some ways it is like the slate of all of your sins and misdemeanours has been wiped clean and that very imperfect person you were and are is shrouded in a new cloak - and I find it hard to recognize who that person might be.
As much as I know other people are struggling with this new reality, I too am tempted by a running commentary that goes something like - if this is the last contact I have with this person how can I possibly convey my respect and affection or how sorry I am for every hurt I have caused. Every outing has to be filled with meaning and I need to find a place that feels like normal...find a way to walk in these new shoes. Fortunately, Samuel and Daisy find no such dilemma. They continue to love me and occasionally shun me - as they always have done. Dogs always get it right.