Dear Shae Alosius Montgomery Greenfield

I have it on good authority that the following letter has just been received at your Mayor's office:

Dear Rob Ford,

On behalf of my client, a Somali drug lord (name withheld upon request) I am writing to inform you we quit. Our little joke with the video that may or may not exist, has come to an end. My client notes the human carnage in your office is becoming an embarrassment, even by Somali drug lord standards.  While he recognizes you informed the assembled media horde today that everything was "fine", he notes a slight twinge of hysteria in your voice which is not uncommon in his profession. As he also hails from a dysfunctional family, he has sympathy for your plight and notes (if he can be candid) your brother is doing you no favours and you should think seriously about whether anyone in the football community might better speak on your behalf. As your long-time friend and a member of an ethnic minority he understands the power of prejudice against those elected to be mavericks and defenders against the Toronto elite. The video that may or may not exist has been destroyed and you can carry on doing the people's business safe in the knowledge he has not forgotten where he put the other copies. Sincerely, Thomas J Maggot, Esquire.