Saturday 25 May 2013

A Very Public Un-Doing

What is the point of it? Dredging up ghosts, hanging them on the line in public - what possible purpose does it serve? To be honest, I didn't intend to go this far, to a place that stops feeling brave and twists into something less palatable, a peep show of misery that most people would store firmly behind closed doors. So why? I could stop this now and all it would be are a collection of titillating tidbits, fodder for gossip and speculation I would leave behind as a sign to people who know nothing about me that I was nothing more than a series of mistakes, bad judgement and perhaps, rotten luck. Of  course that is not the sum of my life. But if I'm not willing to be unflinchingly honest - if I can't describe how someone who seemingly had so many advantages, a good job she was lucky to have, people who loved and supported her - could land in this place now, then there really is no point. I am more than a label, a textbook definition of an illness, a case study of characteristics that are easily dismissed. On some level I am compelled to explain there were reasons why this transpired. Self-indulgence? Pity? I could spare you the gory details and take them with me when I go - spare my family from revelations that cause them pain - and perhaps you think I should. I could tell you to look away - stop reading these words - this uncomfortable unburdening that takes me places I too would prefer to leave behind. But that is the point, they never did go away and the more I tried to keep them in the more they literally ate me alive. I need to write because it is the only way for me to control the story, to say there was more to this than this flawed surface might suggest. I write to let the ghosts go...

7 comments:

  1. I have always thought of you as a smart , witty beautiful person who I, using my baby boomer lingo, “held in high regard”
    You have questioned several times if sharing your story is the right thing to do. I would like to share a thought.
    We all have ‘secrets’. Did you ever think that maybe your decision to share would help others share?
    As a closet alcoholic for 20 plus years I will follow your bravery (yes you are brave) and share my secret. Or should I say, lots of secrets, the extra bottle of wine I keep in the bathroom closet, memory loss and all the health issues I now face.

    keep sharing

    Forgive the anonymous – its required for now

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    1. Thank you my anonymous friend

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    2. Sorry...my reply got cut off before I could say thank you for your bravery and I admire you for what you have shared...

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  2. Anonymous is right Michelle - please keep sharing. Apart from finally getting to know someone I've been out of touch with most of our adult lives, I know from my own experience with depression how throwing it out there lightens the load and, hopefully, prevents someone else (particularly my kids) from ever thinking they have to go through years of blackness without complaining in case it's just a character defect. I was lucky. Unlike with alcoholism and eating disorders, I was able to take a pill and it all got better. But I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, so I share.

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    1. Thanks Stacy! And yes, let us hope your children can be spared that pain...

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  3. Telling one's story is a brave and honourable thing if the story is told honestly. And the teller does not need to defend her choice to share. If there are things that come up for readers within the context of the story - well - it is in the control of readers whether or not they will choose to read further. It may be exactly the encouragement they need, knowing they are not alone, and it may be an impetus for them to approach someone to ask for help. But even if telling your story were just giving you a chance to feel loved and supported in a way you did not before, Michelle, then your writing would have served a noble purpose - for you have been loved in ways you may not have known, and you are most certainly "held in high regard" by more than you can count. Tell your story - say your piece - and know that it is a good thing because it is healthy for you, and because it is saving others in ways you can't possibly know.

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