Monday 20 May 2013

A Message to my Three-Year-Old Self

Dear Michelle...right now you do not know that the man who is holding you tight in that wedding photo...your daddy - whose arms you cry out for in the night (never your mom's)...will be lying in a hospital bed where a doctor will cut his spinal cord when the pain from the cancer ravaging his body can no longer be controlled. He is 30-years old. How he will tell your mom not to bring you and your sister to the hospital any more because he doesn't want to scare you and perhaps, doesn't want you to remember him this way. Your sister, who is older, will remember this last visit...you - try as you might to find the memory - will not. You do not know that your baby brother, Murray, has been diagnosed with Down's Syndrome - and that when your mother heard those words in the doctor's office was afraid she would drop the baby. You also have no suspicion that Murray, whose wee body you would drag to the middle of the living room when he would press his nose against the screen of the television, will be sent away to a "special school" and you will only see him a handful of times in your adult life. You don't know that your Mother, having lost her husband, and with three little ones to look after, will go back to work as a nurse, but will need to curtail her hours when her middle child (you) suddenly starts wetting the bed repeatedly. You don't know your Nana, your father's mom, who lives a short tricycle ride away from your house in Pine Falls, Manitoba, will destroy almost every picture of your dad, because she can't stand the pain of losing her baby boy. You don't know that you will leave Pine Falls, and your treasured Nana and Papa, your beloved Uncle Bob and Aunt Lynda, your cousins - Stacy and Tim - and move to British Columbia when you mom gets remarried and that whole chapter of your life will all but close. You do not know these things...but they will shape so much of your adult life.

6 comments:

  1. Michelle

    Lynda passed me the address of your blog today. I am so sorry to read all this.
    I remember part, certainly not all, of what you described above, including Rita's last trip to see your father (I was not allowed in the hospital, but stayed in the car.)
    I will be following your blog.
    Bob

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    2. Dear Bob....thank you so much for this and you too, are one of the missing pieces of my life.

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    3. Am having trouble with my computer but what I wanted to say was that while we didn't see you as often I was in awe of my older Ontario cousins. I so appreciate you taking the time to write...sending much love....

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  2. I remember 3 year old Michelle, and I remember that picture of you and Karen and your dad. I have a copy of it in an old album. I'm thinking about you every day.

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    1. Dear Stacy...thank you my lovely for responding and for remembering that time. I remember so clearly the time you rescued me when I was in Winnipeg and I will never forget your kindness. Thanks for your thoughts...love you xo

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